Of Bitterness in Uncertainty OR My Everyday Struggles

Recently, I wrote about how my life in the past couple years hasn’t gone according to plan. And of course life decided to imitate art and go against my plan. Again.

Around a year ago, I said in a Bible study with some close friends that recently God had been teaching me to be ok with not knowing the future and having the answers to everything. Wonder what I would have said if I had realized I’d still be working on that same issue now. I’m done with everything in all my classes from the spring semester. Basically, it’s summer for me. But ask me what I’m doing this summer and you will get a response along the lines of, “I’m not sure yet. I might…

And you know what? I hate it. I want to be able to say, “I’m doing this awesome thing this summer. I’m working at this super great internship next year [said internship will guarantee me a fabulous job when I graduate] and I’ll be moving to x when I graduate.”

Y’all, I am struggling with uncertainty SO bad. And the repercussions have left me bitter and constantly worried.I have gotten so jealous of people who have (or appear to have) their lives together. I am bitter towards people who everything seems to be working out for effortlessly. I don’t want to be this person. I want to say, “I have learned to be content in all circumstances.” I haven’t mastered that quite yet, but I am learning. Regardless, I know that God is God in times of certainty and uncertainty.

So here I am. Midnight on May 11.

Boasting in my weaknesses and trying to remember that his grace is sufficient for me.

Ernest Hemingway said, “Write hard and clear about what hurts.” That’s what I’ve tried to do with this blog, with the exception of bragging on people I love.

Right now I am hurting and I wrote hard and clear about it *wink wink, so if you cared enough to read all the way to the end, can you do me a favor? Send a prayer for me- not for me to experience certainty but for me to be ok with uncertainty. for me to be surrounded by a cloud of God’s love.

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