Never Goes According to Plan

For the past 3 or so years, my one of my favorite quotes has been,

I may not have gone where I intended to go but I think I ended up where I needed to be.- Douglas Adams

I’ve officially had this blog for a year now and a lot has happened, not always what I intended but I think it was usually what I needed.

So much has happened. I have changed and grown in ways you never imagine until the growing up happens. I’m still in the stage in my life where a lot changes every year.

18 year old Jackie never would have believed that 20 year old Jackie would be happily single and not still in love with “The Boy.” 2 years, he was everything. My future. The thought of life without him was devastating to me. And life without him did devastate me — for a little while.

Looking back, I realize how young and stupid we were. I realize that our plans never would have worked. Even more than that, I am so thankful that they didn’t work.

It’s been nearly a year since I talk to the boy and that’s completely ok. I am happy without him. He is, I’m assuming and hoping, perfectly happy without me. Crazy how something that seems so integral to your happiness and future can disappear and life can go on in spite of you.

I suppose I could blame him for all the hurt I went through because there is blame to lay on him. But there is also blame to lay on me. Even though it didn’t end like either of us planned, I had a really sweet first love experience. For a few months, I was adored by the boy and it was nice. It helped make me who I am today.

If anything, I am now thankful for the devastation I went through at the end. It gave me a new perspective. It gave me a way to relate with others that I hadn’t before. It made me a stronger, wiser young woman and taught me to rely on Jesus for love and affection.

Maybe that’s what this life is about. Experiences that make you stronger, grow you. Experiences that show you the depth of Jesus’s love for you.

I remember lonely nights just asking Jesus to wrap me in his love- and he did. If anything can sum up how I felt, it’s this song. Thank you God that I have cried my last and you did indeed bring beauty from my pain.

After all this has passed, I still will remain
After I’ve cried my last, there’ll be beauty from pain
Though it won’t be today, someday I’ll hope again
And there’ll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

(In keeping with the opening quote, I never intended to write about my first heart break. I intended to quickly recap all the great experiences I’ve had and the wonderful people I’ve met over the past year… But I think I ended up what I needed to write 🙂 )