Of Bitterness in Uncertainty OR My Everyday Struggles

Recently, I wrote about how my life in the past couple years hasn’t gone according to plan. And of course life decided to imitate art and go against my plan. Again.

Around a year ago, I said in a Bible study with some close friends that recently God had been teaching me to be ok with not knowing the future and having the answers to everything. Wonder what I would have said if I had realized I’d still be working on that same issue now. I’m done with everything in all my classes from the spring semester. Basically, it’s summer for me. But ask me what I’m doing this summer and you will get a response along the lines of, “I’m not sure yet. I might…

And you know what? I hate it. I want to be able to say, “I’m doing this awesome thing this summer. I’m working at this super great internship next year [said internship will guarantee me a fabulous job when I graduate] and I’ll be moving to x when I graduate.”

Y’all, I am struggling with uncertainty SO bad. And the repercussions have left me bitter and constantly worried.I have gotten so jealous of people who have (or appear to have) their lives together. I am bitter towards people who everything seems to be working out for effortlessly. I don’t want to be this person. I want to say, “I have learned to be content in all circumstances.” I haven’t mastered that quite yet, but I am learning. Regardless, I know that God is God in times of certainty and uncertainty.

So here I am. Midnight on May 11.

Boasting in my weaknesses and trying to remember that his grace is sufficient for me.

Ernest Hemingway said, “Write hard and clear about what hurts.” That’s what I’ve tried to do with this blog, with the exception of bragging on people I love.

Right now I am hurting and I wrote hard and clear about it *wink wink, so if you cared enough to read all the way to the end, can you do me a favor? Send a prayer for me- not for me to experience certainty but for me to be ok with uncertainty. for me to be surrounded by a cloud of God’s love.

Maybe Some Questions Don’t Have to Be Answered

Last semester, I had an existential crisis of sorts. A religious one. It was ignited by lots of factors. A philosophy class that raised the “Question of Evil,” coming down from the mountain post summer missions, not having a small group/mentor/ spiritual community I felt comfortable being open with in Starkville to name a few.

In addition to the question of evil, I wondered if God really existed and if he does, does he matter and care, and furthermore, why am I studying PR at a college in the Bible Belt. Basically I was questioning what’s the point of all this.

So I did what any good christian would do in our “hide your scars” and “walk it off” culture. I shut myself off. To God. To the Bible. To Church. To other Christians. I became “too busy” for BSU.

Until one day I had a conversation with a friend whose beliefs differ greatly from mine. Suddenly I realized that even through my dark place of seperation and doubt, I could not completely stop loving or believing in Christ and his salvation. And I found that I agree with most of what the Baptists believe. So much so that to hear someone down Christ or Christians hurts and saddens me.

Then I realized, I needed to tuck my tail between my legs and go to church and pray and read my Bible. EVEN WHEN I DON’T FEEL LIKE IT. Read more about what C.S Lewis has to say about that here.

I still don’t have the answers and I probably never will. I am not a great theologian who can convince you to become a christian like me. Even if I was a theologian, only Christ can do that. I realize that I could just be a crazy, superstitious person but when I pray, stuff happens and if you want examples, just ask.

I don’t believe in believing in God just because I’d rather be wrong and go nowhere when I die than not believe and be wrong and go to hell. That’s not what true Christianity is about. It is about believing something crazy. It’s called faith for a reason. I will probably always have doubts but thru it all I love Christ and am overwhelmed by his love for me.

All I know for sure is if our world doesn’t have a creator and savior, then I’d rather be crazy and happy than sane and miserable.

The heavens declare the glory of God, and the sky[a] proclaims the work of His hands.Day after day they pour out speech;
night after night they communicate knowledge.There is no speech; there are no words; their voice is not heard.Their message has gone out to all the earth, and their words to the ends of the world. Psalm 19:1-4Image